Les Mis Condensed
by Tziporah
Summary: This is actually my condensed version of the musical, but oh well. Act II is up! Yippee! Supposed to be funny, but I'm not sure if it really is.
1. Act I

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Sir Percy the Scarlet Poodle.

Sir Percy: (barks despite the fact he is a stuffed animal)

Les Misérables: The Musical

Condensed

Scene 1: At the Prison 

Prisoners: Wow, life sucks.

Javert: 24601, you spent your time here, your parole's begun

Valjean: Yipee, I'm free!

Javert: Not really, you get a yellow passport which means you will be shunned and driven from every society, isn't that nice? Now lets cram 100 pages into a few lines.

Valjean: Okey-dokey.

(the author is too lazy to write down the background info)

Javert: Remember 24601, I'm watching you, always watching.

**Scene 2: Outside the Bishop's House**

Constables: Let's see, a former convict says he got the silver plates from the bishop as a gift, now that's BS if we ever heard it

Bishop: No, actually it's the truth, but Valjean, you forgot the candlesticks, here you go, now go away police guys (to Valjean) Now since I saved your…err…bottom (determined PG rating) you should become a good guy like me (a/n: if anyone's interested about how good a guy the bishop is they should read the first 52 pages of Les Mis, all on how saintly he is)

Scene 3: Somewhere Outside Digne 

Valjean: Where's petit Gervais?

Authoress: Um, not here?

Valjean: Alrighty then. I'll just have to wonder about how cynical and depressed I've become all on my own.

Author: You do that.

Valjean: I feel unloved.

Authoress: But it does go to an awesome tune.

Scene 4: Montreuil-sur-mer 

Poor: Wow, life sucks (again).

Foreman: I'm weeping in pity here.

Poor: Life _still_ sucks.

Random Gossip: The foreman has been having some naughty thoughts concerning Fantine today.

Poor: Life hasn't got any better.

Mean Girl Whose Neck We All Want to Wring: Now, I'll just steal Fantine's letter 'cause I'm such a bi…bad person. _Hello,_ Fantine has a bastard kid.

Fantine: That's none of your business!

Cat fight follows 

Valjean: Ha, I'm a mayor now. Aren't I good?

Authoress: Get on with it.

Valjean: Oh right, children, children settle down. Foreman, I trust you, even though you're probably lower than pond scum, to figure this out.

Everyone: Nice, Valjean.

Valjean: I do try.

Authoress: This is supposed to be condensed!

Foreman: Right. Now someone say how this began.

MGWNWAWTW (Mean Girl Whose Neck We All Want to Wring): Fantine has an illegitimate kid somewhere.

Fantine: Oh, now we're using fancy words.

MGWNWAWTW: and she has to pay some guy to keep the kid and you bet she's getting the money sleeping around _adopts saintly voice_ and the boss wouldn't like it.

Everyone: _wants to wring MGWNWAWTW's neck and then give her to Erik to be sunburned to death._

Fantine: Yes, I do have a kid. But there are certainly single mother protection acts somewhere so you can't fire me for that.

Women: Wanna bet? This is 19th century France we can fire whoever we darn well please!

Foreman: And today that would be you!

Authoress: This is getting too long. Wrap it up folks.

Poor: Sack her.

Foreman: Alrighty, then. Goodbye.

Authoress: Everyone should know this is all Tholomyès fault and he's going to Erik's torture chamber with MGWNWAWTW.

Scene 5-Somewhere 

Fantine: Life used to be cool but now it _really_ sucks.

Everyone: This is getting old.

Scene 6-I'm guessing the docks 

Sailors: _very rude lines about prostitutes_

Whores: _ditto_

Old Woman: Can I have that trinket?

Fantine: I'll sell it

Old Woman: 4 francs

Fantine: More

Old Woman: Nope.

Fantine: Please?

Old Woman: 5

Fantine: 10

Old Woman: 5

Whores: _more lines that don't go in PG fics_

Crone: I'll buy your hair.

Fantine: Get lost.

Crone: 10 francs

Fantine: Okay, I am way too much of a nice girl, trying to save my kid.

Sailors/Whores: _even more deleted lines_

Whores: Come on dearie, you need the money.

Fantine has to turn to prostitution to pay for Cosette and Authoress sends MGWNWAWTW and Foreman to the Machine from the Princess Bride

**Scene 7-Somewhere**

Valjean: Do I have yet another song about whether I'm good or bad?

Authoress: Yeah, and this one has a wicked cool tune too.

JVJ: Javert just caught a guy he thinks is me. The right thing to do is admit I'm Jean Valjean. What to do, what to do?

Everyone: Come on, this is Jean Valjean, resident saint, it's a bit obvious what's gonna happen.

Valjean: Fine, be that way. Hey Javert, I'm 24601, remember me?

Scene 8: Montreuil-sur-mer 

Fantine: I'm dying and talking to my daughter even though she's in Montfermeil. Go me and my super powers.

Valjean: Wow, this sucks. I'm like, practically responsible for this woman's death and that is simply not saintly. I know, I'll look after her child and love her to death and have the whole way-too-protective father thing down pat. Now, _that's_ saintly.

Fantine: Good, now I can die in peace. _Does so_

Javert: Ha, I caught up with you Mister Evil-Convict. Now, put up your hands like a good boy.

Valjean: Wait, I just became a father, I can't go to jail yet. Nope, Javert, but I'll come back in three days.

Authoress: And knowing Valjean, he would.

Javert: Pshaw, you're a convict. Your word is worth nothing. You'll always be evil.

Valjean: Oh well, _ties Javert up_ Have to go, bye-bye now.

Javert: Uh oh, this sucks.

Scene 9: Montfermeil 

Cosette: When life really sucks (i.e.: all the time) I like to pretend I'm on a castle on a cloud.

Audience: _feels really sorry for Cosette, the abused kid_

Scene 10: Montfermeil 

Thenardier: I'm the only good innkeeper around here

Authoress: And we present Thenardier, probably the most detestable man alive.

Thenardier: Throughout this whole song I'm talking about what an evil guy I am, but no one seems to notice.

Drinkers: We're really too drunk to care.

Mme. Thenardier: Wow, life sucks.

Authoress: Ring a bell, anyone?

Mme. Thenardier: _Rude lines about her husband that he deserves_

**Scene 11: Montfermeil**

Authoress: For anyone's whose interested, here's the Thenardier family philosophy made up by Les-Mis-Genius: Dote on the girls, ignore the boys, abuse the foster kids. Now on with the show (or lack thereof)

Thenardier: Lying through your teeth is fun! Oh please don't take our darling adoptee away.

Valjean: You are a big stinking liar. Fine, I'll play along. Anything to get Saint Jr. out of here. _(gives more money)_

Mme. Thenardier: Not enough! More money, more!

Everyone: _backs away_

Valjean: Alrighty then _(gives even more money)_.

Thenardiers: How do we know you're not a creepy guy who stalks little girls by AIMing them?

Valjean: Well giving you more money will certainly convince you. 'Kay Cosette let's go. I have to turn you into a little saintly person.

Scene 12: Paris 

Authoress: _is jumping up and down ecstatically because this is her favorite of the songs and her favoritest little gamin in THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD gets to sing_

Everyone:_ is scared_

Beggars: Life sucks.

Authoress: Not even touching this one.

Gavroche: 'ow do you…_(is interrupted by Authoress giggling madly and trying to be a cool devil-may-care gamin like Gavroche)_

Gavroche: Okay then. _(is disturbed)_ Well, life sucks but we gotta make the best out of it.

Authoress: Damn straight!

Everyone: _blinks because authoress never swears (even damn) though she is inexplicitly fond of the word demned_

Beggars: _beg_

Old Beggar Women: Why are you here girl? Why, in my day…

Young Prostitute: I really don't care.

Old Beggar Women: Sucks for you. I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Pimp: Better move. She can talk for hours.

Beggars: Life sucks but it will change eventually. Yay!

Pessimist: It'll probably get suckier.

Authoress: I don't remember you. Out! Now!

Enjolras: Where are the leaders of… _(is interrupted by Authoress singing an absurd cheer about red vests, obsessed revolutionaries, Les Amis, and other stuff)_

Marius: Yay for me! Everyone loves me! Cause the Eponine fans and Cosette fans both do so I always win (like Christine).

Authoress: _is glaring daggers_

Marius: Or not? _(whimpers)_ What kind of mizzy are you?

Authoress: _(in very dangerous voice) _Just say the line, pea-brain.

Marius: blah blah blah Lamarque funeral plot point blah blah

Beggars: _beg to wicked tune_

Marius: blah blah blah Lamarque funeral plot point blah blah blah

Everyone: You just said that!

Marius: No, that line had an extra blah.

Everyone: Oh.

Enjolras: Yay! Can I kill people now?

Authoress: Not yet dearie.

Enjolras: _is faintly disturbed at being addressed as "dearie"_

Beggars: Can you guess?

Everyone: Let us think _(fake looks of concentration)_

Beggars: Life sucks.

Scene 13-Paris 

Javert: _mutters_ Nobody likes me everybody hates me guess I'll go eat worms…

Javert fan-girls: We love you Javert!

Javert_: Is disturbed by all the exclamation points_

Authoress: Now sing.

Javert: Well there's this guy who I'm tracking down who's pretty evil pretty evil

Authoress: Doesn't quite have the same ring as fallen from grace, fallen from grace

Javert: And I'll search for him forever forever

Authoress: Again, we're lacking the ring here _(giggles)_ One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them…

Javert: ANYWAYS, yeah stars are cool and if you fall like Lucifer you are in big trouble and stars stay the same (cause we are very antichange) and if they fall they are busted and so it is written that if you fall you are busted and please let me find this 24601 guy.

Authoress: _Is in tears after hearing the condensed version of Stars_

Javert: Hey, you wrote it.

Authoress: _sobs louder_

Scene 14-Paris 

Authoress: _(is resembling a pogo stick with all her bouncing)_ ROLE CALL! Sound off! Obsessive One!

Enjolras: _(is ranting about royalists, barricades, etc.) (looks up)_ Oh, here.

Authoress: Drunk One!

Grantaire: _(says something we can only assume means here) _

Authoress: Hypochondriac!

Joly: I hab a dreadbul feber!

Authoress: Unlucky One!

Lesgle: _(trips over black cat)_ Here!

Authoress: Poetic One!

Jehan: Shh! I am trying to concentrate!

Authoress: Umm… Interesting One!

Courfeyac: Here.

Authoress: Philosophical One!

Combeferre: Am I here?

Authoress: _mutters_ I doubt it nutcase _shouts _Poster-tearer downer… wait you're not in the musical.

Bahorel: Not fair! LesMisLoony put me in her story anyway _(big pleading eyes)_

Authoress: Yeah, but WAIT A SEC how'd you know that?

Bahorel _(shrugs) _Oh this girl with a cascade of golden hair named Marie Suzette gave me something called a laptop…

Authoress: _(shrieks) (uses stiletto heeled shoe she has just magically acquired to smash laptop)_ NO! MARIE-SUZETTES AND TOUCHPADS ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL!

Bahorel: _(shrugs)_ So, am I in?

Authoress: 'Fraid not dearie, but you can watch like me!

Bahorel: _(grabs popcorn and cherry coke as he brightens considerably)_ Okay.

Authoress: And last on our role-call: The Uber-cool Polish Fanmaker Who Loves His Country More Than Anything

Bahorel: _(sarcastic)_ And we don't play favorites here. _(pokes Feuilly)_ That's you, fan-boy

Feuilly: Huh? Oh, here.

Authoress: _(squeals like the poor pathetic fangirl she is)_ Okay. Everyone's here. Now remember, here at Revolutionaries Anonymous we don't label people. But we do sing!

Bahorel: Ye gods.

Authoress: No one asked for your opinion Mr. I'm-not-important-enough-to-be-in-musical.

Bahorel: _(blinks)_ You do know you're terrible at comebacks, right?

Authoress: _(darkly)_ So I've been told.

Bahorel: Isn't this supposed to be Les Mis Condensed?

Authoress: The keywords there are Les Mis, buster. Ok, action.

Bahorel: And now we're a movie.

Authoress: Do shut up.

Students: Everyone's ready to kick the government's collective…rears.

Enjorlas: Yes, yes, children but we must wait for the time to be right. Not to mention we really need a flag. _(Marius enters) _Marius, you're late.

Authoress: And you look terrible _(giggles insanely)._

Everyone _(blinks)_ Okaaay.

Joly: What's wrong Marius? Do you have a fever, cold, pneumonia, bronchitis, cancer…

Grantaire: Have some alcohol, it cures everything.

Marius: _(in lala land)_ Pretty girl, now I'm head over heels in love!

Grantaire: Hey! He can't string a sentence together either. Marius you are funnier than an opera!

Marius: _(blinks)_ I'll take that as a compliment.

Enjolras: Guys, this talk is petty. We must talk about barricades, death, overthrowing the government!

Marius: I'll pass, I like talking about pretty girls.

Enjolras: Marius, I'm sure you mean it well but who cares about your lonely soul? Our little lives don't count at all.

Authoress: (facepalm) My goodness Enjolras, ever heard of a little thing called tact?

Enjolras: What?

Authoress: (facepalms a whole lot)

Students: RED! Highly symbolic BLACK! Highly symbolic RED! Highly symbolic BLACK! Highly symbolic.

Scene 15: Paris 

Enjolras: Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes! Wait, isn't that the real song?

Authoress: _(wipes back tear)_ Yeah, I'm not touching the almighty song.

Enjolras: Aren't we emotional.

Bahorel: Since when did you know about sarcasm? But this is nothing, you should see her after All I Ask of You.

Authoress: (nods very vigorously) Wait… How would you know that?

Combeferre: Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?

Authoress _(jumps out of her seat)_ I WILL!

Combeferre _(blinks)_ Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?

Coufeyrac: So join in the fight that will give you the right to be free!  
Everyone: Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!

Feuilly: Will you…

Authoress: _(screams and takes out one of those big foamy hands that say Feuilly is #1 on them)_

Feuilly: give all you can give so that our banner may advance? Some will fall and some will live, will come up and take the chance? The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France!

Everyone: Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!

Authoress:_ (is in tears)_

Scene 16-Paris 

Cosette: I just fell in love with a guy I saw once. Have I finally cracked?

Everyone: Most likely.

Valjean: Now I get to be the over-protective father. Yipee!

Bahorel: Do I sense sarcasm?

Cosette: You're such a weirdo Daddy. Why don't you tell me more about yourself?

Valjean: Shut up. My therapist tells me it is all behind me now, it can't hurt me…

Cosette: _(blinks)_ Right… But I'm not a kid anymore!

Valjean: I'm not talking.

Marius: I just fell in love with a girl I saw once. Have _I_ finally cracked?

Authoress: You cracked a _long_ time ago, dearie.

Eponine: Sheesh, no one loves me. I'm at the losing end of the love triangle.

Eppies: We love you Eponine, sit tight we're going to set you up with Marius.

Authoress: Everyone pity Eponine, the poor girl.

Eppies: and we'll murder Cosette in the most painful ways imaginable…

Authoress: On second thought, don't pity Eponine, she has quite enough fans, pity Cosette.

Bahorel: Or me!  
Authoress: Or Bahorel.

Marius: I'm totally clueless about your love for me Eponine…but then I'm totally clueless about most stuff so it's not a big surprise.

**Scene 17-Paris**

Marius: I love you even though I don't know your name (though I secretly think its Ursula).

Cosette: Just like me, we'll get along great. My name is Cosette.  
Marius: Not Ursula then, bummer.

Cosette: _mushy lines_

Marius: _mushy lines_

Authoress: _gets bored because of the lack of shooting things_

Bahorel: _wonders for Authoress' health_

Eponine: Well, this sucks and no mistake.

Bahorel: You stole that from the StupidRing parody!

Authoress: It's in the disclaimer. I don't own anything. Besides, it went so well with the whole theme.

**Scene 18-Paris (Rue Plumet if you want details)**

Thenardier: Here's the place where that rich guy who took my foster kid lives!

Brujon: That's nice.

Thenardier: Do shut up.

Brujon: Who's that?

Thenardier: Don't know.

Babet: It's your daughter, doofus.

Thenardier: Go away Eponine,

Eponine: Nice to see you too, there's nothing to rob here but some love struck people in the garden.

Thenardier: Shut up.

Brujon & Claquesous & Montparnasse: Idiot girl, go away.

Eponine: I'm gonna scream.

Thenardier: DO YOU WANT TO DIE!

Claquesous: This is entertaining _(steals Bahorel's popcorn)_

Bahorel: Hey!

Eponine: _Screams_

Thenardier: Scram, we gotta get out of here!

Marius: Let me give you a lot of credit 'Ponine, even though in the book I don't even know you're there.

Eponine: I feel loved.

**Scene 19-Paris**

Authoress: _happily gets out a Shirley Temple and some chocolate covered gummy bears from the bar_

Bahorel: _(sarcastic)_ Excellent bar, I can just imagine: "Can I have some cheeto's with my wine?"

Authoress: There's no alcohol.

Bahorel: Why?

Authoress: _(stares pointedly at Grantaire, who is still drunk despite being cut off from alcohol for the past 10 days)_

Bahorel: Oh, I get it! 

Authoress: _(rolls eyes)_ Brilliant. You'll be the next Einstein. But since he's not born yet you'll be the previous Einstein… _(confuses herself)_

Bahorel: Anyways, on with the show! 

Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more! Don't you love my catch phrase?

Authoress: Very nice.

Valjean: Thank you.

Marius: Hey, I'm kinda good at the sappy bits, aren't I?

Authoress: Trust me, it's the only thing you're good at.

Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more…

Cosette: I'm kinda good at them too.

Authoress: Yeah, but you're also good at other stuff.

Eponine: I totally got the unrequited love thing down pat.

Everyone: Hear, hear.

Marius and Cosette: _more sappy lines_

Eponine: _more sad, depressed, lovesick puppy lines _

Everyone: _blinks and shrugs_

Enjolras: Stop, stop. I have heard nothing about overthrowing the government and building barricades yet and that is simply not acceptable.

Marius: _suddenly becomes indecisive_

Enjolras: Stay with us Marius! Come back to the light!

Marius: I don't know…

Enjolras: Stay!

Marius: I don't know…

Enjolras: Stay!

Marius: I don't know…

Enjolras: Stay!

Marius: I don't know…

Enjolras: Stay!

Marius: I don't know…

Valjean: Enough of that. One day more! One day more! One day more…

Javert: One more day until I show those college brats just how much the law loves them…  
Everyone: _(blinks)_ That did not make much sense.

Javert: Does it ever?

Everyone: Touché.

Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more! One day more!

Thénardier: Oh fun, chaos. A thief's best friend.

"Rebel Students": _inspirational speech about freedom, equality, brotherhood, etc, etc, until interrupted _What, madam, is so funny?

Authoress: _(cracking up)_ "Rebel Students", "Rebel Students"? Can you just imagine? "So what were you in Les Mis?" "Oh, well I was a "rebel student".

No one: _gets it_

Marius: _(out of the blue, but c'mon, what do you expect this is Marius)_ I've decided I'm staying to fight.

Authoress: How'd you decide?

Marius: Eeny, meeny, miney moe…

Authoress: _rolls eyes_

Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more…

Marius and Cosette: _are very sad_

Javert: _(putting on sunglasses)_ I can make a mean spy if I want.

Eponine: Yo, over here? Still good at the lovesick puppy thing.

Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more!

Bahorel: Do shut up.

Valjean: _doesn't _

Marius and Cosette: And we'll still good at being sad.

Javert: And I'm still good at being an obsessed policeman.

Thénardier: And I'm still good at being a creepy innkeeper with total disregard for morals.

Valjean: Oh my gosh, I have a line other than one day more _(dies from the shock of it)_

Bahorel: We can't have that. _(brings Valjean back to life)_

Authoress: _(blinks) _That was…

Bahorel: Amazing, a miracle, impressive?

Authoress: We'll leave it at special.

Students: La, la, something about judgement day.

Javert: ditto

Just about everyone: ditto

Everyone: ONE DAY MORE!

**End of Act I **


	2. Act II

Act II 

**Scene 1-Paris, you know, they're all in Paris now do I really have to tell you?**

Authoress: Cue the very dramatic music!

The very dramatic music: _is cued_

Authoress: Ok, everyone, intermission was grand and jolly besides the minor battle that broke out between the Eponine and Cosette fangirls, but we have since cooked the bodies into meat pies so no one will be able to sue us.

Bahorel: Um, ew? No more Sweeny Todd for you. And since, apparently "self-insertion quickly gets boring" we should probably start the show.

Authoress: Very well.

Enjolras: My sole purpose in life is to sing inspirational songs and give out plot points. Oh, here's one. I need someone to spy on the National Guard, because they are totally not just camping out on our doorstep.

Javert _(wearing sunglasses)_: Me! Me! Pick me!

Enjolras: You, with the shades.

Javert: Yippee!

Jehan: Oh my gosh I have a line! _(dies from the shock of it)_

Bahorel: _(grumbling)_ Where would you be without me? No poet and no lead, that's for sure. _(uses his super powers to bring Jehan back to life)_.

Authoress: Oh my gosh. I just realized people are going to die!

Bahorel: No, really?

Authoress: How am I going to parody that?

Grantaire: ANYWAYS, yeah yeah I'm being cynical any second now I'll go on a rant about Greek gods.

L'aigle: Now Grantaire, repeat after me, "All people are basically good".

Grantaire: You keep telling yourself that.

Marius: Oh look it's a little gamin who I suddenly noticed for no apparent reason. Aack, it's a girl! Run! Hide! The end is near!

Eponine: Terribly sorry to offend you so.

Marius: _(gets over himself…mostly)_ Eponine, you gotta get out of here…Enjolras says there's going to be men with guns soon!

Everyone: Isn't that sweet?

Eponine: I'm taking it as a sign of affection.

Marius: Another reason you should get out of here is you could take this letter to Cosette.

Eponine: ...or not.

Everyone: Wait, Marius can write?

**Scene 2-Paris, France, Europe, Planet Earth, The Milky Way, The Universe in the year 1832 **

Eponine: Well the one guy I love loves someone else and is so stupid he doesn't even realize I love him, so yeah, LIFE SUCKS!

Authoress: Can't say you didn't see that coming.

**Scene 3-Argentina…No it's actually Paris, big whoop right?**

"Rebel Students": We still got the goofy name?

Marius: "Let them come in their legions and they will be met?" Holy cow, I just said a whole sentence that wasn't sappy! _(dies from the shock of it)_

Bahorel: _grumbles and revives him_

Authoress: You know, I'm pretty sure that was a typo, it was supposed to be Enjolras or something.

Enjolras: Nah, I get the next one.

Grantaire: And I get the total Grantaire-esque one.

Bahorel: Well, you _are_ Grantaire.

Combeferre, Courfeyrac, and Feuilly:_ cool "rebel studenty" lines_

Army Officer: _(has acquired a magical megaphone)_ Is this thing on? Oh. Okay. So, you guys are about to die so just sit tight.  
Enjolras: Since you outnumber us 100 to 1 it is obvious you are lying through your teeth.

"Rebel Students": Hear, hear.

Scene 4-Paris, the barricade at la rue de la Chanvrerie, in fact 

Javert: Lying through my teeth is fun!

Gavroche: Hey guys, that guy over there with the shades is a police inspector so you should probably do something about it. And that is why little people are so cool! Cause I am so cool!  
Authoress: HEAR, HEAR! I love you Gavroche!

Gavroche: _is disturbed_

Bahorel: We should keep a running count on how many people get disturbed by the Authoress.

Javert: Changed my mind. Lying through your teeth is fun only when you're not caught.

Scene 5-We haven't moved, so it's a bit lost on everyone why this is a different scene 

Students: Eeka-Sheemka, scary guys with pointy sticks and things that make loud noises are coming.

Enjolras: Now would be a good time to start shooting _(under breath)_ Dolts.

Marius: You called? By the way, which way does the hole face… _(shoots himself and dies)_

Authoress: Look, it's the upper-class twit of the year!

Bahorel: You really gotta stop killing them, there be plenty of that later. _(revives Marius)_

Scene 6-Still here 

Authoress: Kay, Eponine just took a bullet for Marius. Don't know why, I'd personally shoot him instead, but very heroic of her.

Eponine: And it's started raining. Wow, does life ever suck.

Marius: Um, yes?

Eponine: It wasn't a question dolt. Anyways, yeah, its okay cause I'm dying so I really have more pressing matters on my mind than the weather. Besides, being a fan of botany, I'm happy cause the rain will make the flowers grow.

Marius: You aren't dying. NO NO NO not listening _(puts fingers in ears and starts humming)_

Eponine: Actually, I am.

Marius: This is too sad. _(starts bawling)_

Bahorel: Aww, poor guy. _(hands Marius a tissue)_

Eponine: Aw well, life wasn't a picnic anyway. This rain isn't that bad actually. For one thing, you're actually looking at me. And besides, rain will make the flowers…

Marius: Grow

Eponine: _dies_

Everyone: _cries_

Authoress: Wait, Bahorel, can't you revive her?

Bahorel: No, my super power is canoness, so I can only revive them when they aren't meant to die. Besides, who would harmonize with Valjean and Fantine in the finale if she didn't die?

Scene 7-Now I think we're in Café Musain 

Feuilly: Well, we're gonna die, so who's in for a last intoxicating drink?

MADBBAS (Mothers Against Drunk Barricade Building and Shooting): Tssk. Tssk.

Jehan: Wait, why am I still alive?

Authoress: Are you complaining? It can be remedied. _(fingers sharp knife)_

Jehan: _(quickly)_ Nope. Life suits me just fine.

Bahorel: Well, enjoy it now cause you got about three more hours of it.

Jehan: _gulp _

Joly: Wait, he never said his line, and now my real witty one makes no sense.

Authoress: Good, we're trying to keep our rating down.

Grantaire: You know, no one is gonna care when we die.

Bahorel: Aren't you just a little ray of sunshine.

Guys: Yep, let's get drunk.

Girls: Hear, hear.

Marius: I really don't care if I die if Cosette is going to England. You know, she might meet some fop like Sir Percy.

Authoress: Don't insult Blakeney! And you could just drop dead and do us all a favor.

Scene 8-Paris, somewhere in the general area of the barricade, perchance the sewers 

Valjean: Well, I got over my protective father thing and now all I want is the guy my adopted daughter loves to live.

Everyone: We love you St. Valjean!

**Scene 9- The Sewers (It even says!)**

Thénardier: I am such an evil guy. I'm taking stuff off dead bodies and by all appearances, enjoying it.

Scene 10-Near the Seine, for obvious reasons 

Javert: Well, St. Valjean could've killed me and he didn't and this is bad cause it makes me think he could be a good guy and then we would have something in common AND WE DON'T!

Authoress: Yet this is to the same tune as one of his solos, What have I done?

_(Ragetti and Pintel suddenly appear)_

Ragetti: Now that's what I call ironic. _(they chuckle insanely and disappear)_

Javert: _(blinks)_ Anyways, well this is in general too confusing for the strict laws in my mind so I'm going to throw myself into the Seine and die _(he does so, to an amazing crescendo of music reminiscent of Stars) _

Scene 11-Somewhere 

Women: Well, all the barricade boys died and this is very depressing but can't say we didn't expect it, just look at 1830 and 1831.

Everyone: _cries _

Scene 12-Café Musain, I'm guessing 

Marius: All my friends died so I finally get a song that portrays me as something other than a lovesick puppydog. Is it just me who thinks that was a bit of a high price? The guilt here is amazing, why did I have to survive?

Everyone: _feels really really sorry for Marius and cries_

Scene 13-Probably a church 

Chorus: Enough depressing stuff. It's time for a wedding!

Everyone: Did they even wait a day?

Thénardier: Ooh, I was truly evil but I still won, go me.

Mme Thénardier: Yep, if you have no morals you're bound to succeed in this world. Take that message home with you kiddies. There is the slight drawback of eternal damnation though.

Everyone: And sooner than you think. _(sharpens knives)_

**Scene 14-Valjean's Deathbed**

Valjean: Yay, I get to see my daughter before I die.

Cosette: NO NO NO. You are NOT going to die. Not listening _(puts fingers in ears and starts humming)_

Everyone: They really were meant for each other. They got denial down to an art form.

Valjean: Well, if you wish darling, I won't die…or I'll at least try. Doubt I'll pull it off, though. Anyways, I wrote down everything I wouldn't tell you so you will finally know why we have three random houses.

Fantine's Ghost: Come on buster. You've got an appointment with the Boss. We better start praying.

Valjean: Please forgive all my sins, I think I have a whopping twelve of them.

Valjean, Fantine, and Eponine: Yes, please forgive us. We'll even quote the book for you.

Chorus:

Do your hear the people sing

Lost in the valley of the night?

It is the music of a people

Who are climbing towards the light.

For the wretched of the earth

There is a flame that never dies.

Even the darkest night will end

And the sun will rise.

They will live again in freedom

In the garden of the Lord.

They will walk behind the plough-share,

They will put away the sword.

The chain will be broken

And all men will have their reward!

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the barricade

Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Say, do you hear the distant drums. It is the future that they bring

When tomorrow comes!

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the barricade

Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Say, do you hear the distant drums.

It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes…

Tomorrow comes!

Fin


End file.
